I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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