i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
