my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
