Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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