I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
