I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
