I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
