I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
