You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
