We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
