yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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