I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
