just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
