Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
