I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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