2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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