I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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