So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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