Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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