splinters make it hard to masturbate
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
