I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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