What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was like his penis was on wheels.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
