Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
