Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
