2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
