I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
