come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
