sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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