I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
