so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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