My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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