I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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