his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
