we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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