so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
