ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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