I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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