Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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