Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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