Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I party with great urgency now.
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