I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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