Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
do herpes really smell.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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