So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
