I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
