Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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