Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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