In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
