Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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