i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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