He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
