You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
