I cannot find my penis.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
