i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
