I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
