Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
