I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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